In every relationship, there is a giver and a taker. It is what it is. Believe it or not, I’m a giver by nature (despite the cold, analytical facade I put out – LOL). So, I’m typically the one holding people when they hurt, telling them it’ll be ok, rubbing the tension out of shoulders and problem-solving my arse off to make it all better for everyone. I’m not complaining, I’m comfortable in that role. It suits me.
What I’m not comfortable with is telling people when I need all that stuff. Typically, I might say I’m having a bad day or that I’m grumpy, MAYBE I’ll talk about in a generalized, airbrushed manner… but I really am not too good at letting people give back to me. Honestly, it’s probably because I’m afraid if I ask for it, I won’t get it. Who knows… What I do know is that no matter how big the boulder, or how strong the oak… strike at it enough times and eventually, the thing’s going to break.
I think, tonight, I broke a bit. Contrary to appearances, I’m on overload. I’m sure I’ll be fine, I can still walk, talk, smile, help others and even have a good time… but, what I need more than anything in the world right now is a hug. Maybe even be the one to get held instead of doing the holding. Here’s the airbrushed version of the stuff I’m willing to share:
We JUST got done dealing with Lindsey’s tooth and now Nati’s tooth has broken (my kids and their teeth, geesh). I make good money, but this will bring the total up to over a grand in medical expenses between Lindsey’s tooth, Nati’s dislocation of her elbow, and my medical issues. I’m plum wore out on medical catastrophes. And it’s not just the financial end of it, because I can afford it, it’s just money & that always sorts itself out in the end – it’s really rather harrowing to look at your child and see them in pain. She hurts, and that hurts me. I’ve got her doped up, so she’s sleepy now… but wow. The look on her face just made me want to cry (and, in fact, did a bit).
But with that means another day that I’m not in the office. I had to take part of today off because the kiddos were out of school. So, that means another 3.5 day work-week. Not that I’m worried about losing my job (I’m not), but right now is not a good time for this. The market is soft and this is the time for 150% effort – 8 day work-weeks – not 3.5. *Sigh* And, to top it off, I can’t get Steph to call me back so today left me with more questions than answers and that always irritates the heck out of me! Ok, done venting… This, too, shall pass… This, too, shall pass…
This is where being in a relationship would be rather helpful. Seriously. It’s nice to have someone to lean on. I don’t want to trouble my friends with this because they have their own crap to deal with (I know, I hear about it daily). But, when you’re in a relationship, I’m told you lean on each other and between the two of you… it keeps you standing up. If I leaned over right now, I’d fall over.. ’cause it’s just meeeeee! 🙂 Plus, it’s really not the same when you hold yourself, hahahahahaha….. In truth though, it would actually be rather nice to have someone look me in the eyes and tell me it is going to be better than ‘ok’ (even if I’m sure I already know that, validation’s nice).
At the end of the day, I get that my issues really aren’t that big of a deal and I’m being something of a baby. In all seriousness, I’m gainfully employed and there’s even been some interesting twists in relationship to my career lately, it’s not like my kid has a debilitating illness/disease… it’s a tooth issue that we’ll get fixed AFTER my client meeting tomorrow (that may qualify me for “Bad Parent of the Year” but that’s one meeting that’s not movable). In the meantime, she’s got pain medication to keep it numb, so life will go on. I think I’ve given myself enough of a pep talk where I can give myself a hug and go soak in the tub (with my candles, of course)…
Thanks for letting me vent