About the Post

Author Information

I'm just a girl in the world.. that kind of likes to write. Mom of 2 teen girls & work as Talent Attraction & Marketing professional. Oh, & I'm addicted to my phone, Social Media, HR/Talent Marketing & Caffeine... you can learn more about me at www.linkedin.com/in/theonecrystal

Not Over You, Part II: The Counter-Offer

(Continued from “I’m Not Over You”)

If I had a chance to renew; you know there isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do

I could get back on the right track…. but only if you’d be convinced… so until then…

Instead of accepting my resignation in the relationship; he presented me with a counter-offer. I shouldn’t have been surprised, really; nearly 90% of employers present counter-offers… why wouldn’t it happen in romantic relationships as well?? He told me the things I wanted – needed, and longed – to hear: He loved me, he didn’t want to lose me, he knew he was a putz, and he’d try harder…but don’t give up.

Finally, I’m Forced to Face the Truth; No Matter What I Say I’m Not Over You…

And I? Being a total girl listened to the “feelings” being shared & disregarded all rational thought. For the first time in my entire life; I accepted a counter-offer. I took his proposal at face value; buying into what he was saying hook, line, and sinker. I wasn’t ‘over him;’ I was over dealing with the dysfunction… so I believed in the things he was telling me because I wanted the ‘fix.’

Of course, in all honesty, I think he did, too. Most counter-offers are made in good faith. Employers believe things can go back to the way they were; lovers have faith that all can be mended, friends trust things will be different. It goes back to hope & hope springs eternal, right? So, I have no reason to believe it was any different with my ex-boyfriend; bless his heart. I’m sure he believed – or wanted to- the things he was saying as he said them.

Here’s the thing with counter-offers: the person making it is rarely really prepared to make it… it’s rarely a well thought out, pre-planned event. Even when we can see the end coming in the distance; the presentation of it somehow manages to catch us off-guard. So, in an effort not to be left – unprepared, unready for a new reality – we make concessions to keep that which is familiar, that which is valued, even. It’s just often concessions we end up resenting to various degrees.

I am a boomerang; doesn’t matter how you throw me…

I firmly believe that the concessions we make in the counter-offer often end up bringing about the end (again) more often than it does truly staving it off. The statistics I was able to find on counter-offers bear me out on that, too; while nearly 90% of employers make them? (1) Less than 40% are successful in retaining the employee for another full calendar year and only 35% of that 40% stay past the 2-year mark. Eventually, we boomerang back into the old, dysfunctional behaviors that caused the need for “the talk” that led to the counter-offer in the first place.

Turn around and I’m back in the game..

even better than the old me

I’m not saying counter-offers are bad. There’s a place for them. I’m also not saying they’re good… because among other reasons, often, the groundwork to make them successful just isn’t laid out well. I think Lance Haun wrote an excellent article about this for TLNT back in 2010 called “6 Things You Should Consider When Making a Counter-Offer” that will help you do it right… IF you need to do it. But I’d like to focus on another of those aforementioned “Other Reasons:” A lot of times I think we ‘counter-offer’ in a knee-jerk fashion… because we aren’t prepared for it; or because don’t want to be left. Lance hit on a very simple truth within his article that bears repeating, though: Some people need to be let go without a fight. While that void is scary because there’s an “unknown” factor to it… sometimes the void is better than continuing to try to function within an environment of unsatisfied dysfunction. Because once it’s OVER? You can deal with your new reality and find what you REALLY need.

And that, my friends, is a beautiful thing that, as the song says, really will make you ‘even better than the old [you].’ Tomorrow we’ll round out this series with “Facing the New Reality” and those practical steps to dealing with step-by-step of the “off-boarding” process & dealing with the void.

(1) Goodness knows what percentage makes them in ‘personal’ relationships; I’d absolutely love to see that data because I bet it’s pretty similar.

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s